#699 – Justin Mogilski – Will Non-Monogamy Fix The Dating Market? | Modern Wisdom

Intro

In this episode of the “Modern Wisdom” podcast, host Chris Williamson explores the topic of non-monogamy and its potential to fix the dating market. He is joined by Justin Mogilski, a social psychologist and expert in relationships and human mating strategies. Together, they discuss the motivations behind non-monogamous relationships, the challenges they face, and the impact they have on individuals and society.

Main Takeaways

Non-Monogamy and Relationship Success

• Non-monogamous relationships are not more likely to end in failure than typical relationships.
• The best predictors of relationship satisfaction are mutual respect, shared interests, and positive communication.
• Consensual non-monogamy is becoming more popular, with around 1 in 5 people in the US trying it and 5-10% sticking with it.

Motivations for Non-Monogamy

• People who are more open to new experiences and less neurotic are more likely to be non-monogamous.
• The rise in individualistic societies and equal opportunities has led to people pursuing relationships that match their current motives in life.
• Men are more likely to want consensual non-monogamous relationships for sexual opportunities, but women may be interested in polyamory for emotional connections and support networks.

Challenges in Non-Monogamous Relationships

• Non-monogamy tends to fail because coordinating more individuals is more difficult than coordinating just two.
• Adding a third person or more creates a unique dynamic that requires taking into account how each person will contribute to the relationship.
• Disparities in mate value can influence jealousy in non-monogamous relationships.

Types of Non-Monogamous Relationships

• Different types of non-monogamous relationships include polyamorous, swinging, and open relationships.
• Polyamorous relationships involve emotional attachment and multiple loves, while swinging relationships focus more on sex and may not involve long-lasting partnerships.
• One-sided non-monogamous relationships are not a commonly recorded configuration.

Communication and Jealousy Management

• Secrecy is associated with negative relationship outcomes in consensually non-monogamous relationships.
• Communication and transparency are crucial for making non-monogamy work.
• Attraction disclosure is strongly correlated with relationship quality outcomes such as satisfaction and conflict.

Benefits and Implications of Non-Monogamy

• Non-monogamous practices such as exclusivity agreements and attraction disclosure can also benefit monogamous relationships with higher reported relationship satisfaction.
• Compersion, the feeling of happiness for a partner’s positive experience with someone else, can be cultivated in non-monogamous relationships.
• Successfully managed emotions in non-monogamous relationships can lead to similar rates of domestic violence as monogamous relationships.

Summary

Non-Monogamy: Challenging Norms and Exploring New Relationship Dynamics

Non-monogamy is a relationship style that challenges societal norms and offers individuals the opportunity to explore multiple connections and attachments. Contrary to popular belief, non-monogamous relationships are not inherently more likely to fail than traditional monogamous relationships. The success of any relationship, regardless of its structure, depends on factors such as mutual respect, shared interests, and positive communication.

The motivations for engaging in non-monogamy vary among individuals. Those who are open to new experiences and less neurotic are more likely to be drawn to non-monogamous relationships. The rise of individualistic societies and equal opportunities has also played a role in people pursuing relationships that align with their current motives in life. Men often seek consensual non-monogamy for sexual opportunities, while women may be interested in polyamory for emotional connections and support networks.

However, non-monogamous relationships face unique challenges. Coordinating the needs and desires of multiple individuals can be more complex than managing a two-person relationship. Jealousy and disparities in mate value can also contribute to difficulties in non-monogamous relationships. Open communication, transparency, and attraction disclosure are crucial for managing jealousy and maintaining relationship satisfaction.

Non-monogamy encompasses various relationship types, including polyamorous, swinging, and open relationships. Each type has its own dynamics and expectations. Polyamorous relationships involve emotional attachment and multiple loves, while swinging relationships focus more on sexual exploration. One-sided non-monogamous relationships, where only one partner is allowed to engage in additional relationships, are less common.

Despite the challenges, non-monogamous relationships offer benefits and opportunities for personal growth. Practices such as exclusivity agreements and attraction disclosure can also enhance satisfaction in monogamous relationships. Cultivating compersion, the ability to feel happiness for a partner’s positive experiences with others, can lead to greater relationship satisfaction. Successfully managing emotions in non-monogamous relationships can result in similar rates of domestic violence as monogamous relationships.

Conclusion

Non-monogamy challenges traditional notions of relationships and offers individuals the freedom to explore multiple connections and attachments. While it may not be suitable for everyone, non-monogamy provides an alternative approach to relationships that can be fulfilling and satisfying when approached with open communication, transparency, and emotional intelligence. By understanding the motivations, challenges, and benefits of non-monogamous relationships, we can broaden our perspectives on love and relationships and create a more inclusive and accepting society.