#701 – Alex DatePsych – Why Is Everyone Choosing To Stay Single? | Modern Wisdom

Intro

In this episode of the “Modern Wisdom” podcast, host Alex DatePsych explores the reasons why more people are choosing to stay single. He delves into the misconceptions about online dating apps, the impact of men’s risk aversion on their willingness to approach women, and the fears and challenges individuals face in the dating world. With a mix of research findings and personal anecdotes, Alex DatePsych provides valuable insights into the dynamics of modern dating and relationships.

Main Takeaways

The Challenges of Approaching Women

• 50% of men have not approached a woman in the last year.
• Men’s risk aversion can impact their willingness to approach women.
• A survey found a positive correlation between risk aversion and reluctance to approach women for dates or in social settings.
• Primary fears include social rejection and loss of reputation, with some also fearing legal consequences.
• Even confident men still experience nervousness when approaching women.
• Exposure therapy, as used in pick-up artist communities, can help reduce fear over time.

Gender Roles and Dating

• Women initiate more divorces.
• Men’s risk aversion and violation of expected gender roles when approached by women.
• Women feel a double layer of shame when rejected by men.
• Younger generations may be more risk-averse, including in dating.
• Dating is largely a game of risk remediation.

Preferences and Compatibility in Dating

• About 70% of women reported compatibility as a major issue in dating.
• Women reported sexual pressure and demand as a major issue in dating.
• Physical attraction and intellectual connection are important to women in dating.
• Intellectual compatibility is important, with 79% of women struggling to find someone they are intellectually compatible with.
• Individuals with a higher internal locus of control tend to report fewer difficulties dating.

Online Dating and Relationship Dynamics

• Online dating is often misunderstood as only being used for hookups.
• Online dating is not just for hookups, with 70% of men seeking long-term relationships.
• Match rates for women are higher due to the imbalanced ratio of men to women on dating apps.
• Men have a strong desire for both casual sex and long-term relationships, while women are hardly open to casual sex.
• Men and women prefer attractive profiles, but preferences for education and other qualities differ.

Physical Attractiveness and Relationship Dynamics

• Physical attractiveness has a small effect on lifetime sexual partners.
• Behavioral dominance, athleticism, and male-male competition predict having more sexual partners better than physical attractiveness does.
• Competence is sexy and signals of competence, especially for men, seem important in attracting women.
• Women vary massively in what they find attractive, making it almost impossible for one profile to be liked by everyone.
• Dad bods and leaning into one’s nerdy look can lead to outsized returns in the mating market.

Marriage, Divorce, and Relationship Satisfaction

• Individuals with a higher level of education are much less likely to be single or get divorced.
• For every standard deviation increase in a woman’s IQ, her chance of marriage drops by 35%, while it’s the inverse for men.
• As more women become socioeconomically successful, there is pressure on both men and women to skew their preferences to avoid a sex ratio hypothesis hell.
• Women prefer men with a similar or higher level of education, but with more women going to university than men, women may have to adjust their preferences or settle.
• Communication problems and failure of cross-sex mind reading may contribute to divorce initiation differences between men and women.

Summary

Men’s Challenges in Approaching Women

A significant number of men are hesitant to approach women due to fear of rejection, loss of reputation, and potential legal consequences. This risk aversion can impact their dating prospects and contribute to the rising trend of men choosing to stay single. However, exposure therapy and confidence-building techniques can help overcome these fears over time.

Gender Roles and Dating Dynamics

Traditional gender roles and societal expectations can create challenges in the dating world. Women may feel a double layer of shame when rejected by men, as they perceive themselves as breaking social norms and still not succeeding. Men, on the other hand, may struggle with the violation of expected gender roles when approached by women. Younger generations may also exhibit more risk-averse behavior, affecting their willingness to engage in dating and relationships.

Preferences and Compatibility in Dating

Compatibility and shared values play a crucial role in successful dating and relationships. Women often report struggling to find someone they are intellectually compatible with, indicating the importance of intellectual connection. Fear of sexual pressure and demand is a major issue for women in dating. Paying attention to others and being interesting are also rare qualities in dating and can contribute to compatibility challenges.

Online Dating and Relationship Dynamics

Online dating is not solely for casual hookups, as many individuals seek long-term relationships through dating apps. However, the imbalanced ratio of men to women on these platforms often results in higher match rates for women. Men have a strong desire for both casual sex and long-term relationships, while women are generally less open to casual sex. Preferences for attractive profiles vary, but education can play a significant role in partner selection.

Physical Attractiveness and Relationship Dynamics

Physical attractiveness has a limited impact on lifetime sexual partners, with behavioral dominance, athleticism, and male-male competition being better predictors. Competence and signals of competence, especially for men, are important in attracting women. Women have diverse preferences when it comes to attractiveness, making it challenging for one profile to appeal to everyone. Embracing one’s nerdy look or having a “dad bod” can lead to unexpected success in the mating market.

Marriage, Divorce, and Relationship Satisfaction

Higher levels of education are associated with lower rates of singleness and divorce. However, there are complexities in the relationship between education and marriage, with women’s chances of marriage decreasing as their IQ increases, while the inverse is true for men. As more women become socioeconomically successful, there is pressure on both men and women to adjust their preferences to avoid imbalanced sex ratios. Communication problems and differences in initiating divorce between men and women contribute to relationship dissatisfaction and potential breakdowns.

Conclusion

The decision to stay single or pursue relationships is influenced by a multitude of factors, including fear of rejection, risk aversion, gender roles, compatibility, physical attractiveness, and societal expectations. Understanding these dynamics can help individuals navigate the complexities of modern dating and make informed choices that align with their desires and preferences.