Intro
In this episode of “The Diary Of A CEO,” Steven Bartlett interviews Esther Perel, an expert on relationships, love, and sex. They delve into the complexities of modern relationships, the impact of childhood experiences on adult relationships, and the importance of maintaining intimacy and desire. Esther Perel provides profound insights that can transform the way we approach our relationships and navigate the challenges of love and sex.
Main Takeaways
The Impact of Relationships on Life
- Relationships are often not taken seriously, but they are crucial to the quality of life. (00:03:00)
- The impact of relationships on life is significant and should not be overlooked. (00:00:00)
- Relationships have gone through a massive transformation in the Western world due to the dismantling of traditional structures, leaving people unprepared for the changes (00:04:00 – 00:04:59)
- The mission is to guide and help people make sense of their relational lives and develop skills to handle the challenges of modern relationships, which are crucial to our existence (00:05:00 – 00:05:59)
- Our existence is defined by relationships, and without them, we experience a death to the soul, emphasizing the importance of relationships in our lives (00:05:00 – 00:05:59)
Childhood Experiences and Adult Relationships
- The speaker, a psychotherapist for over 40 years, focuses on childhood experiences and their impact on adult relationships, emphasizing that we are not solely defined by our past and can rewrite our stories (00:06:00 – 00:08:59)
- Our childhood experiences shape our need for security and adventure, but our desires are not static, and we have the power to change the legacy and influence of our past (00:08:00 – 00:08:59)
- Patterns in childhood can cause dysfunction in adult relationships (00:09:00 – 00:09:59)
- Patterns from childhood and how they manifest in relationships are important
- The pattern is what two people create in a relationship
Recognizing Patterns in Relationships
- Understanding the figure eight pattern in a couple is essential
- The specifics of the loop matter more than the specific details of the conversation
- Filters from childhood experiences affect how individuals enter conversations
- Recognizing patterns in couples is like recognizing patterns in music
- Example of a personal experience with recognizing a figure-eight pattern in a relationship (00:12:00 – 00:12:59)
The Dynamics of Pursuer and Distancer
- In a relationship, one person is often the pursuer while the other is the distancer, creating a dynamic where one person holds up the quota for closeness and the other doesn’t have to deal with feelings of longing or desire for closeness (00:00:00 – 00:17:59)
- We tend to go for people who express the part of us that we don’t want to deal with, essentially outsourcing our conflicted needs onto them (00:18:00 – 00:18:59)
- Relationships require both connection and independence, predictability and innovation, commitment and freedom, but we often assign to our partners the parts of our needs that we are conflicted about (00:18:00 – 00:19:59)
- The realization that we rely on our partner for balance and fulfillment becomes apparent when they are not around, and acknowledging and expressing gratitude for this balance is important in a relationship (00:20:00 – 00:21:59)
Improving Intimacy and Connection
- Taking walks can be a simple yet effective way to connect with others, as it changes the dynamic of the relationship and promotes side-by-side conversation. (00:31:00 – 00:31:59)
- Changing oneself can lead to changes in the other person, making it essential to understand relational systems and the feedback loop in various relationships, not just romantic ones. (00:31:00 – 00:32:59)
- Small moments of disconnection, like not acknowledging small gestures such as sharing an article or a video, can lead to a breakdown in connection and communication. (00:32:00 – 00:34:59)
- Acknowledging and responding to these small bids for connection, such as sharing an article or a video, is crucial as it signifies being present and engaged in the relationship. (00:33:00 – 00:34:59)
- Relationships thrive on acknowledging small details and expressing gratitude (00:35:00 – 00:35:59)
Sexuality and Desire in Relationships
- Sexuality has transformed from duty to desire and is now focused on pleasure and connection rather than procreation (00:54:00 – 00:54:59)
- The strength of relationships lies in managing paradoxes, not solving problems, and accepting contradictions (00:55:00 – 00:55:59)
- Balancing different aspects of life, such as passion, energy, and creativity, is key to experiencing satisfaction in relationships and life overall (00:56:00 – 00:56:59)
- The contradiction of wanting both spontaneity and safety in relationships is a common dilemma (00:57:00 – 00:57:59)
- The key to maintaining a relationship is to constantly shift between stability and change (00:58:00 – 00:58:59)
Challenges in Male and Female Sexuality
- Men may express their need for tenderness and intimacy through the language of sex, while women are more likely to articulate their relational needs (01:04:00 – 01:05:59)
- The rise in feminism and gender equality has influenced sexual dynamics over the last decade (Start: 01:07:00, End: 01:07:59)
- Research on sexual desire has primarily focused on women, assuming men are always interested, which is not true (Start: 01:10:00, End: 01:10:59)
- The bias in sexual desire research puts an unfair burden on women and leaves many men unattended to (Start: 01:11:00, End: 01:11:59)
- Fear of rejection is a significant emotional and sexual vulnerability for many men, and it’s a key allure in porn (01:17:00 – 01:17:59)
Improving Sexual Intimacy and Connection
- Sexlessness in a relationship is not just about frequency but also about the quality of the experience and the connection with oneself and the partner (01:20:00 – 01:22:59)
- It’s important to have open conversations about sex, touch, fantasy, and communication with a partner (01:22:00 – 01:23:59)
- Understanding one’s imaginative life, desires, and expectations from sex is crucial for a fulfilling sexual relationship (01:23:00 – 01:24:59)
- Sometimes one person in the relationship may not want to have these conversations, and in such cases, individual meetings with a therapist might be helpful (01:24:00 – 01:24:59)
- Medications for conditions like diabetes, blood pressure, prostate, and depression can have sexual side effects, impacting men’s sexuality (01:25:00 – 01:25:59)
Conflict Resolution and Desire in Relationships
- Conflict in relationships is often a result of a tear in the fabric of connection, and it’s important to focus on turning conflict into connection.
- Relationships require commitment and effort, and individuals should take charge of their relationships and hold themselves accountable for making improvements.
- Gender, culture, and linguistics play a role in conflict resolution in romantic relationships, and stereotypes about gender differences may not always apply.
- Instead of asking what we’re fighting about, ask what we’re fighting for (00:44:00)
- Relationships can either survive or thrive; cultivate aliveness and eroticism (00:44:00)
The Importance of Creativity and Effort in Relationships
- Relationships would be better if people put creativity and attention into them as they do with customers or guests (00:26:00-00:26:59).
- Modern loneliness stems from being physically present but emotionally absent in relationships, leading to a sense of half-derness and ambiguous loss (00:27:00-00:29:59).
- Ambiguous loss occurs when someone is physically present but psychologically or emotionally absent, leading to a lack of joy, meaning, and connection (00:29:00-00:30:59).
- To combat modern loneliness, it’s crucial to put the phone down, engage in meaningful conversation, and prioritize intimacy and connection in relationships (00:30:00-00:30:59).
- Giving the best of yourself in a relationship is crucial for its success
- Relationships would be better if people put creativity and attention into them as they do with customers or guests (00:26:00-00:26:59).
Summary
Importance of Relationships and Childhood Experiences
Esther Perel highlights the significant impact of relationships on our lives and the need to take them seriously. She emphasizes the transformation of relationships in the Western world and the challenges people face due to the dismantling of traditional structures. Perel’s mission is to guide individuals in navigating modern relationships and developing the necessary skills to thrive. She explores the influence of childhood experiences on adult relationships, emphasizing that we have the power to rewrite our stories and change the legacy of our past.
Recognizing Patterns and Dynamics in Relationships
Perel discusses the importance of recognizing patterns in relationships and understanding the figure-eight pattern that couples often create. She explains that the specifics of the loop matter more than the specific details of the conversation. Childhood filters impact how individuals enter conversations, and recognizing patterns is similar to recognizing patterns in music. Perel shares a personal experience of recognizing a figure-eight pattern in a relationship, highlighting the significance of understanding and addressing these patterns.
Creating Intimacy and Connection
Perel emphasizes the importance of small moments of connection and bids for connection in relationships. She discusses the impact of not acknowledging these small gestures and the breakdown in connection that can occur. Perel suggests that couples should prioritize acknowledging small details and expressing gratitude to foster intimacy and connection. She also highlights the significance of taking walks together as a simple yet effective way to connect and promote side-by-side conversation.
Navigating Sexuality and Desire in Relationships
Perel explores the transformation of sexuality from duty to desire and the focus on pleasure and connection rather than procreation. She emphasizes the importance of managing paradoxes and accepting contradictions in relationships. Perel discusses the dilemma of wanting both spontaneity and safety in relationships and the need to balance stability and change. She also addresses the challenges and misconceptions surrounding male and female sexuality, highlighting the impact of fear of rejection on men’s vulnerability and allure in pornography.
Conflict Resolution and Desire in Relationships
Perel discusses the intrinsic nature of conflict in relationships and the importance of turning conflict into connection. She emphasizes the need for commitment and effort in relationships and encourages individuals to take charge of their relationships and hold themselves accountable for making improvements. Perel explores the role of gender, culture, and linguistics in conflict resolution and challenges stereotypes about gender differences. She suggests reframing conflicts by asking what individuals are fighting for rather than what they are fighting about.
The Importance of Creativity and Effort in Relationships
Perel highlights the significance of creativity and attention in relationships, urging individuals to put the same effort into their relationships as they do with customers or guests. She explores the modern loneliness experienced when individuals are physically present but emotionally absent in relationships, leading to a sense of half-derness and ambiguous loss. Perel emphasizes the importance of putting the phone down, engaging in meaningful conversation, and prioritizing intimacy and connection in relationships.
Conclusion
Esther Perel’s insights into relationships, love, and sex provide a transformative perspective on modern relationships. She emphasizes the impact of relationships on our lives and the need to take them seriously. Perel explores the influence of childhood experiences on adult relationships and highlights the importance of recognizing patterns and dynamics in relationships. She emphasizes the significance of creating intimacy and connection, navigating sexuality and desire, and resolving conflicts in relationships. Perel encourages individuals to prioritize creativity and effort in relationships and to actively engage in nurturing their relationships. Her profound insights offer valuable guidance for individuals seeking to improve their relational lives and experience greater fulfillment in love and sex.
