Former No.1 Pick-Up Artist: “We’re Wired to Cheat After 7 Years”, “I Was In A Relationship With My Mum”, The True Danger Of Porn: Neil Strauss | The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett

Intro

In this episode of “The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett,” former world’s greatest pick-up artist and best-selling author, Neil Strauss, opens up about cheating, monogamy, and relationships. He shares insights into the evolutionary arguments suggesting that humans are wired to cheat after around 7 years in a relationship. Strauss also delves into the impact of childhood experiences on relationship issues and the importance of self-improvement. Join Steven Bartlett as he explores the true danger of porn and the complexities of human relationships with Neil Strauss.

Main Takeaways

The Complexity of Relationships

• Evolutionary arguments suggest that humans are wired to cheat after around 7 years in a relationship.
• Relationship issues are often historical and can be traced back to childhood experiences.
• To find love, focus on becoming the person you want to attract rather than creating a list of what you want in a partner.
• Writing down impactful experiences can be a useful exercise for understanding oneself.
• Recognizing and intervening quickly when old behaviors resurface is key to maintaining progress in therapy.

The Impact of Childhood Experiences

• Childhood experiences program our brains and shape our adult behavior.
• Enmeshment, a type of parenting, can lead to unhealthy relationship patterns.
• Post-induction therapy (PIT) helps wake people up from the hypnosis of their childhood experiences.
• Reparenting is a tool used in therapy to talk to your inner child and soothe past traumas.
• Ongoing maintenance through talk therapy or support groups is necessary for long-term change.

Redefining Monogamy and Non-Monogamy

• Evolutionary biologist Helen Fisher believes that it is natural to be faithful to one person for life.
• Serial monogamy with clandestine adultery aligns with evolutionary perspectives.
• Ethical non-monogamy is a consensual and honest non-monogamous relationship.
• Opening up a relationship requires a lot of communication and can be uncomfortable, but it can also be a way to work through insecurities and fears of abandonment.
• Intentions are better than rules in a relationship, and trust and honesty are crucial.

The Challenges of Modern Dating

• Increased use of dating apps and technology has not necessarily led to more successful relationships.
• Social isolation and loneliness are becoming more prevalent due to societal pressures and changes in dating dynamics.
• Mental health crisis is real, and there is a lack of foundation for mental health in our culture.
• Chasing validation through dating multiple people is not a healthy way to live.
• Focus on healing past wounds and finding meaningful connections and activities in life.

The Journey to Self-Esteem

• Self-esteem should come from the inside out, not seeking it from the outside in.
• The long cut to self-esteem involves understanding past experiences and programming and working on them.
• Being other-oriented instead of self-oriented can lead to self-security and validation.
• Focus on psychological health, being of service, and emotional expression for self-improvement.
• There are no shortcuts to achieving self-validation and security.

Summary

The Complexity of Relationships

Neil Strauss, former world’s greatest pick-up artist and best-selling author, shares insights into the complexities of relationships. Evolutionary arguments suggest that humans are wired to cheat after around 7 years in a relationship. However, relationship issues often stem from historical experiences, especially childhood experiences. Rather than focusing on finding the perfect partner, individuals should strive to become the person they want to attract. Writing down impactful experiences can aid self-understanding, and recognizing and intervening quickly when old behaviors resurface is crucial for personal growth.

The Impact of Childhood Experiences

Childhood experiences play a significant role in shaping adult behavior. Enmeshment, a type of parenting where the child’s role is to take care of their parent’s needs, can lead to unhealthy relationship patterns. Post-induction therapy (PIT) helps individuals break free from the hypnosis of their childhood experiences. Reparenting, a therapeutic technique, allows individuals to communicate with their inner child and heal past traumas. Ongoing maintenance through talk therapy or support groups is necessary for long-term change.

Redefining Monogamy and Non-Monogamy

Neil Strauss explores the concept of monogamy and non-monogamy. Evolutionary biologist Helen Fisher believes that humans are naturally inclined to be faithful to one person for life. However, serial monogamy with clandestine adultery aligns with evolutionary perspectives. Ethical non-monogamy, characterized by consensual and honest non-monogamous relationships, is an alternative approach. Opening up a relationship requires open communication and can help individuals work through insecurities and fears of abandonment. Intentions and trust are more important than rigid rules in a relationship.

The Challenges of Modern Dating

The rise of dating apps and technology has not necessarily led to more successful relationships. Social isolation and loneliness are becoming more prevalent, contributing to mental health issues. Chasing validation through dating multiple people is not a healthy approach. Healing past wounds and finding meaningful connections and activities are crucial for personal fulfillment. It is essential to address the mental health crisis and prioritize mental well-being as much as physical health.

The Journey to Self-Esteem

Neil Strauss emphasizes the importance of self-esteem and self-validation. True self-esteem should come from within, not seeking validation from external sources. The journey to self-esteem involves understanding past experiences and programming and working on them. Being other-oriented, focusing on psychological health, being of service, and expressing emotions are key components of self-improvement. There are no shortcuts to achieving self-validation and security, but the rewards are worth the effort.

Conclusion

In this thought-provoking episode, Neil Strauss provides valuable insights into the complexities of relationships, the impact of childhood experiences, and the journey to self-esteem. By understanding the evolutionary arguments behind cheating, addressing childhood traumas, redefining monogamy, and focusing on personal growth, individuals can navigate the challenges of modern dating and find fulfillment in their relationships. It is crucial to prioritize mental health and seek meaningful connections to combat social isolation and loneliness. Ultimately, the journey to self-esteem requires self-reflection, personal growth, and a shift towards being other-oriented.