Intro
In this episode of the Hidden Brain Podcast, titled “Healing 2.0: Life After Loss,” host Shankar Vedantam explores the conventional wisdom of the five stages of grief and how they can be misleading. He speaks with Lucy Hone, a public health researcher who experienced the sudden death of her daughter in a car crash. Hone shares her personal journey through grief and how she used resilience psychology to cope with her loss. Through her story, we learn about the power of making conscious choices and finding hope in the face of tragedy.
Main Takeaways
The Five Stages of Grief: Reevaluating a Popular Model
- Elizabeth Kubler Ross classified the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
- The five stages became prescriptive in popular culture, telling people what emotions to expect and how to grieve.
- New insights on grief were overshadowed by the five-stage model.
- The conventional wisdom of the five stages of grief is incomplete and can be misleading.
- Each person’s grief journey is unique, and there is little evidence to support the five stages of grief model.
Lucy Hone’s Journey Through Grief
- Lucy Hone, a researcher on resilience, experienced a devastating earthquake in Christchurch, New Zealand.
- Hone discovered the power of focusing on what she could control in the face of tragedy.
- Lucy Hone experienced the sudden death of her daughter in a car crash, leaving her and her family in shock and disbelief.
- Hone’s realization of the severity of the earthquakes came during a terrifying experience at a mall with her family.
- After the accident, grief counselors came to Lucy’s home and told her that she would need to write off five years of her life to grief and that her family was now prime candidates for divorce, estrangement, and mental illness.
- Lucy Hone is a public health researcher who studies resilience and has used her experience to help others cope with their own grief.
Redefining Grief and Making Conscious Choices
- Grief is physically exhausting and can make it hard to think clearly.
- Grief can ambush you unexpectedly, making it hard to cope in public places.
- Grief reaction is the physical symptoms that occur when we are bereaved, while grief response is about how we choose to respond to grief.
- Taking breaks from grieving process can bring positive emotions.
- When dealing with grief, it’s healthy for the brain to oscillate between attending to grief and attending to recovery.
- It’s important to choose where you focus your attention and ask yourself if a thought is good or bad for you.
- Grief is full of choices, and it’s important to ask yourself if an action will help or harm you in your quest to survive the loss.
- Making choices that are good for oneself is important in navigating grief.
- Conscious choices about what to focus on can be challenging, but it is possible to find one’s way through grief.
Resilience Training and Finding Hope
- The phrase “hunt the good stuff” from resilience training is similar to the concept of cognitive behavioral therapy, and language is important in encouraging people to tune into what is still good.
- Language is important in resilience training to encourage people to tune into what is still good.
- Finding the right language that fits with an individual is important for resilience training.
- Understanding that suffering is a part of life stops individuals from feeling like victims and beating themselves up when things go wrong.
- Stoicism and the idea of doing what you can with what you have where you are are important concepts in resilience training.
- Focusing on the things that matter and the things that individuals can control is important in resilience training.
- Finding serenity, pride, and awe in day-to-day life can help with resilience training.
- Positive experiences during grief are often judged and seen as wrong, but they are important for healing.
- Resilient grieving is not about putting more pressure on the bereaved, but about giving them hope and strategies to find their own path.
- Time does not shrink grief, but life grows around it and new experiences and people become a part of it.
Cultural Perspectives on Grief
- The pandemic has forced people to grieve differently, with no traditional funerals or rituals.
- Grief is a universal experience, but it is also a very personal one.
- Different cultures have unique ways of dealing with grief, such as the Mexican Day of the Dead.
- It’s important to find ways to honor and remember loved ones who have passed away.
Summary
Redefining Grief and Making Conscious Choices
Grief is a complex and individual experience that cannot be neatly categorized into five stages. Lucy Hone’s personal journey through grief after losing her daughter in a car crash demonstrates the power of making conscious choices and focusing on what can be controlled. Grief can be physically and mentally exhausting, but by oscillating between attending to grief and attending to recovery, individuals can find hope and resilience. Language and finding the right tools for resilience training are crucial in helping individuals navigate their grief journey and find positive experiences amid the pain. Each person’s grief journey is unique, and it is important to honor and remember loved ones while allowing life to go on.
Cultural Perspectives on Grief
The COVID-19 pandemic has disrupted traditional ways of grieving, highlighting the need for new ways to honor and remember loved ones. Different cultures have unique rituals and practices for dealing with grief, such as the Mexican Day of the Dead. Grief is a universal experience, but it is also deeply personal, and finding ways to honor and remember loved ones can provide solace and healing.
Conclusion
Grief is a messy and untidy process that cannot be neatly categorized. The conventional wisdom of the five stages of grief can be misleading and incomplete. Through Lucy Hone’s personal journey and her work as a public health researcher, we learn the importance of making conscious choices, finding hope, and embracing resilience in the face of tragedy. By taking back the narrative and crafting our own journey through grief, we can find healing and growth.
