Healing 2.0: The Power of Apologies | Hidden Brain Podcast

Intro

In this episode of the Hidden Brain Podcast, titled “Healing 2.0: The Power of Apologies,” host Shankar Vedantam explores the psychology behind apologies and their transformative power. He speaks with Tyler Okimoto, a researcher who studies the effects of apologies on relationships and self-esteem. The episode delves into the difficulties of apologizing, the consequences of refusing to apologize, and the impact of apologies on repairing relationships. Through various examples and expert insights, the episode sheds light on the complex dynamics of apologies and forgiveness.

Main Takeaways

The Psychological Barriers to Apologizing

• Apologizing can be difficult, especially to loved ones.
• People often deny or make excuses when accused of wrongdoing.
• Saying “I’m sorry” can be difficult because it means relinquishing power and control.
• Apologizing can affect one’s self-esteem, but refusing to apologize can also have negative consequences.

The Impact of Apologies on Relationships

• An apology can be seen as a gift and a way to repair relationships.
• When someone feels victimized, an insufficient apology can compound negative feelings.
• Refusing to apologize can give a short-term boost in self-esteem due to increased power and control.
• Being a moral person is about acknowledging mistakes and apologizing if appropriate.

The Complexities of Apologies in Society

• Symbolic cases are judged not just by the victim, but also by the court system, media, and the public.
• Conversations about these cases are happening at multiple levels, leading to mismatches in public conversations.
• There is a gap between victim and offender groups in terms of the necessary solution for an individual case.
• People nowadays have a greater appetite for apologies, but they also decrease their satisfaction when actually receiving it.

Effective Apologies and Reconciliation

• Expressions of remorse, both verbal and nonverbal, are influential in changing whether or not people are willing to forgive after an apology.
• A promise of future behavior is often what people are looking for in an apology, along with evidence of willingness to move towards that behavior.
• The timing of an apology is complex, as apologizing too soon or too late can both be problematic.
• Reflecting on an apology is important for growth and improvement in future situations.

Summary

The Psychology of Apologies

Apologizing can be challenging, particularly when it involves loved ones. People often deny or make excuses when accused of wrongdoing, as saying “I’m sorry” requires relinquishing power and control. While apologizing can affect one’s self-esteem, refusing to apologize can also have negative consequences. It is essential to recognize the complexities and psychological barriers that make apologizing difficult.

The Impact of Apologies on Relationships

An apology can be seen as a gift and a way to repair relationships. However, when someone feels victimized, an insufficient apology can compound negative feelings. Refusing to apologize may provide a short-term boost in self-esteem due to increased power and control, but being a moral person involves acknowledging mistakes and apologizing if appropriate. Apologies play a crucial role in rebuilding relationships and reestablishing shared values.

The Complexities of Apologies in Society

Apologies are not one-size-fits-all and may not be effective in every situation. Symbolic cases are judged by various entities, including victims, the court system, media, and the public. Conversations about these cases occur at multiple levels, leading to mismatches in public conversations. There is often a gap between victim and offender groups regarding the necessary solution for an individual case. While there is a greater appetite for apologies, people tend to decrease their satisfaction when receiving them.

Effective Apologies and Reconciliation

Expressions of remorse, both verbal and nonverbal, play a significant role in changing whether or not people are willing to forgive after an apology. Along with remorse, a promise of future behavior and evidence of willingness to change are crucial in effective apologies. The timing of an apology is complex, as apologizing too soon or too late can both be problematic. Reflecting on apologies is essential for personal growth and improvement in future situations.

Conclusion

Apologies have the power to heal and repair relationships, but they also come with psychological barriers and complexities. Understanding the dynamics of apologies can lead to more effective and meaningful reconciliations. Whether it’s acknowledging mistakes, expressing remorse, or making a promise to change, the act of apologizing can transmit power and control to the other party. Apologies should be offered as unconditional gestures, aiming to make both the other person and oneself feel better. Reflecting on times we didn’t apologize is crucial for personal growth and improving relationships.