Hidden Brain Podcast – Being Kind to Yourself

Intro

In this episode of the Hidden Brain Podcast titled “Being Kind to Yourself,” host Shankar Vedantam explores the power of self-compassion and its impact on personal growth and relationships. Through the story of Kristen, who navigates a complicated romantic relationship and grapples with her inner critic, we learn the importance of self-compassion in navigating life’s challenges.

Main Takeaways

Self-Compassion for Personal Growth

• Being hard on ourselves is not the shortest path to self-improvement
• Self-compassion is important for personal growth
• People who are self-compassionate take more responsibility for their mistakes and are more likely to apologize
• Self-compassion means you don’t have to be so self-focused

Insecurities from Childhood and Romantic Relationships

• Insecurities from childhood can shape romantic relationships
• Affair with an older man was intense and passionate, but also morally wrong and complicated
• Kristen was split in two, feeling both horrible and on cloud nine
• Peter promised to leave his partner and be with Kristen, but ultimately broke her heart
• Peter’s partner contacted Kristen to let her know he was dying of brain cancer and gave her the opportunity to see him before he passed away.
• Peter had a pattern of meeting younger women and telling them he was dying
• Kristen’s visit with Peter before he died was awkward and filled with mixed emotions
• Kristen felt anger towards Peter for leaving her in India and then getting sick
• Kristen felt shame and guilt for cheating on her husband and being hypocritical
• Kristen questioned if she somehow caused Peter’s illness through karma

The Inner Critic and Its Impact on Relationships

• Many people are harsher and more critical towards themselves than they are to others.
• The inner critic is a natural response to fear and the desire to stay safe.
• The inner critic may have evolved to teach us how to survive, but now it shows up even for trivial infractions.
• The inner critic manifests in different ways, such as harsh language, disassociation, or shutting down.
• Harsh self-criticism can affect our conversations with others, as we may project the same negativity onto them
• Avoiding negative emotions only makes them stronger, and can lead to taking out our frustrations on others
• Our inner critic can shape our relationships with others, as self-pity and self-absorption can push people away
• Self-criticism can be an outgrowth of self-focus or self-absorption, as shame and self-criticism are self-absorbed states
• Practicing self-compassion and recognizing the motivations behind our inner critic can help manage it effectively.

The Power of Self-Compassion

• Self-criticism can turn people off and harm relationships
• Social comparison is built into the need for self-esteem
• Subtly putting others down to feel above average can harm relationships
• Practicing self-compassion can help us accept our flaws and connect with others
• Turning down the volume of our inner critic can improve our relationships

Summary

Self-Compassion for Personal Growth

Being hard on ourselves is not the shortest path to self-improvement. In fact, self-compassion is crucial for personal growth. People who are self-compassionate take more responsibility for their mistakes and are more likely to apologize. By practicing self-compassion, we can shift our focus away from constant self-criticism and towards personal development.

Insecurities from Childhood and Romantic Relationships

Insecurities from childhood can deeply influence our romantic relationships. Kristen’s affair with an older man was intense and passionate, but also morally wrong and complicated. She experienced conflicting emotions, feeling both horrible and on cloud nine. However, Peter, the older man, broke her heart by not leaving his partner as promised. Kristen’s visit with Peter before he died was filled with mixed emotions, including anger, shame, guilt, and even questioning her own role in his illness.

The Inner Critic and Its Impact on Relationships

Many people have a harsh inner critic that is more critical towards themselves than towards others. This inner critic can negatively impact our relationships by projecting negativity onto others and pushing them away. Avoiding negative emotions only strengthens them, leading to frustration and potential harm towards others. Recognizing the motivations behind our inner critic and practicing self-compassion can help manage it effectively, leading to healthier relationships.

The Power of Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is a powerful tool in improving relationships. Harsh self-criticism and subtle put-downs to feel superior can harm relationships. By practicing self-compassion, we can accept our flaws and connect with others on a deeper level. Turning down the volume of our inner critic allows us to build stronger and more fulfilling relationships with empathy and understanding.

Conclusion

Self-compassion is a proven power that allows us to be kind to ourselves. By acknowledging our humanity and practicing self-compassion, we can experience personal growth, improve our relationships, and navigate life’s challenges with resilience and empathy. Letting go of harsh self-criticism and embracing self-compassion leads to greater well-being and a more fulfilling life.