Hidden Brain Podcast – How Others See You

Intro

In this episode of the “Hidden Brain Podcast” titled “How Others See You,” host Shankar Vedantam explores the gap between how we perceive ourselves and how others perceive us. Through research and real-life examples, the episode delves into the social illusions and biases that shape our interactions and relationships.

Main Takeaways

Perception vs. Reality

• Our perceptions of how others see us are often distorted and can be wrong.
• We tend to think we are good judges of our social interactions, but research suggests otherwise.
• There can be a wide gap between how we think we come across and how others perceive us.
• Personal development workshops have shown that people believe their conversation partners are more interesting than they actually find them.
• It’s important to be aware of these distortions and work on seeing the world with greater clarity to build better relationships.

The Liking Gap

• The Liking Gap is a phenomenon where people underestimate how much others like them.
• The Liking Gap commonly happens among people who are getting acquainted for the first time.
• People tend to be more pessimistic about their social lives than reality warrants.
• The Liking Gap can be amplified in high-pressure situations like dating.
• Social illusions are often kept alive because people express their thoughts and feelings to others instead of directly to the person involved.

The Impact of Social Illusions

• When we care about how we come off to others, we become hyper aware of our shortcomings.
• Trivial things we say or do can cause us to obsess over what others think of us.
• Social illusions can affect long-standing relationships, not just those with strangers or acquaintances.
• Familiarity with someone doesn’t guarantee that social illusions disappear.
• We don’t have access to every single thing that others think, creating a gap in our understanding of how we come off to them.

The Illusion of Transparency

• Conversations rarely end when either party wants them to.
• Humans rely on implicit cues instead of being explicit with each other.
• We often hide information that would allow the other person to draw the right conclusions.
• Chronic loneliness increases the risk of heart disease and other illnesses.
• Reflections we see of ourselves in the eyes of others are often distorted.

Overcoming Social Illusions

• Language barriers can lead to feelings of insecurity and social awkwardness.
• People are often more charitable in conversation than we think.
• The illusion of transparency can make us feel like our internal states are on display.
• Comparing ourselves to previous performances can lead to self-doubt and negative self-evaluation.
• Comparing ourselves to others can lead to self-doubt and negative self-evaluation.

Summary

Perception vs. Reality

Our perceptions of how others see us are often distorted, leading to a gap between our self-perception and how others perceive us. Research suggests that we are not as good at judging our social interactions as we think. Personal development workshops have shown that people believe their conversation partners are more interesting than they actually find them. To build better relationships, it is important to be aware of these distortions and strive for greater clarity in how we see ourselves and others.

The Liking Gap

The Liking Gap refers to the phenomenon where people underestimate how much others like them. This gap is commonly observed in initial interactions and can be amplified in high-pressure situations like dating. People tend to be more pessimistic about their social lives than reality warrants. Social illusions are often perpetuated because people express their thoughts and feelings to others instead of directly to the person involved. Recognizing and addressing the Liking Gap can lead to more authentic and fulfilling relationships.

The Impact of Social Illusions

Social illusions can have a significant impact on our relationships, even in long-standing ones. When we care about how we come off to others, we become hyper aware of our shortcomings and may obsess over trivial things we say or do. Familiarity with someone doesn’t guarantee that social illusions disappear. Additionally, we often lack access to the thoughts and perceptions of others, creating a gap in our understanding of how we come off to them. Being aware of these dynamics can help us navigate relationships more effectively.

The Illusion of Transparency

In conversations, humans rely on implicit cues instead of being explicit with each other. This can lead to misunderstandings and the hiding of information that would allow the other person to draw the right conclusions. The illusion of transparency can make us feel like our internal states are on display, leading to self-consciousness and anxiety. Chronic loneliness has been linked to increased risk of heart disease and other illnesses. Recognizing and challenging the illusion of transparency can help us foster more genuine connections.

Overcoming Social Illusions

Language barriers can create feelings of insecurity and social awkwardness. However, people are often more charitable in conversation than we think, and seeking an outside perspective can help overcome self-critical thoughts. Comparing ourselves to previous performances or others can lead to self-doubt and negative self-evaluation. Instead, focusing on the other person in a conversation and being genuinely curious and interested can shift attention away from self-doubt and anxiety. Giving compliments can have a powerful impact in building connections and dismantling the Liking Gap. Being authentic and true to ourselves is more important than worrying about how we are perceived by others.

Conclusion

Understanding the gap between how we perceive ourselves and how others perceive us is crucial for building meaningful relationships. Social illusions can distort our interactions and create unnecessary self-doubt and anxiety. By recognizing and challenging these illusions, seeking outside perspectives, and focusing on genuine curiosity and connection, we can bridge the gap and foster more authentic and fulfilling relationships.