Modern Wisdom – #694 – Sadia Khan – Why Is Modern Dating Such A Mess?

Intro

In this episode of the “Modern Wisdom” podcast, host Chris Williamson sits down with Sadia Khan to discuss the complexities of modern dating and relationships. They explore the narratives and behaviors that contribute to the messiness of dating in today’s world. Sadia shares her insights on love, toxic behaviors, societal influences, and the impact of technology on relationships.

Main Takeaways

The Confusion of Modern Dating

• Dating in the modern world is more complicated than ever.
• The concept of marriage and long-term relationships is causing confusion.
• People are defining the course of love based on negative experiences.

The Blame Game

• The narrative of blaming exes as narcissists is popular.
• Love should not be blamed for our pain, but rather our behaviors.
• Love is not toxic, but our behaviors and decision-making can create toxicity in relationships.

The Cultural Influence on Love

• The idea that love is dangerous and should be avoided is propagated in movies and culture.
• The narrative of seeing love as weak is being propagated in today’s culture.
• Love is an essential component of our life, but it is almost seen as embarrassing to fall in love.

The Impact of Decision Making

• Love is being positioned as the antithesis of independence, which creates customers, but love is not suffering, it is pain that we experience in life.
• Poor decision making leads to suffering in love.
• Feminists and red pill men share a common anti-love trend due to low self-esteem.

The Role of Emotional Connection

• Capping our potential in love leads to depression and anxiety.
• Love is designed to be a pain relief and anti-anxiety mechanism.
• Emotional disconnect in childhood can lead to avoidance of emotional connection in adulthood, which can lead to seeking out escorts instead of pursuing emotional connection with partners.

The Complexities of Sex Work

• Escorts are often viewed as a way for men to skip the emotional component of a relationship and go straight to sex, but this can be harmful for both parties.
• Men who pay for escorts may have intense low self-esteem and believe they cannot access a woman of a certain caliber in real life, leading to a fear of rejection.
• Sex workers struggle to make emotional connections with men in their personal lives.

Challenges in Cross-Sex Friendships

• Men and women can be friends platonically, but it can be challenging and often leads to complications.
• Having platonic friendships between men and women is possible if you have a diverse personality.
• Men over perceive women’s attraction to them, while women under perceive men’s attraction to them.

The Impact of Beauty and Attractiveness

• Attractive women may lose their naivety about men and see them as more dangerous and less faithful.
• Women often see other women as enemies and are hyper-aware of the power they can bestow on their partner.
• The psychology of attractive women is different from that of less attractive women.

The Rise of AI Girlfriends

• AI girlfriends are becoming a fast-growing market.
• These apps set unrealistic emotional standards and beauty standards.
• The normalization of dehumanizing women for sexual pleasure can lead to a society of rapists.

The Importance of Discomfort and Responsibility

• Comfort is the killer of joy, and too much comfort kills long-term happiness.
• Happiness comes from discomfort, problem-solving, and getting the dopamine reward.
• Building an identity outside of the relationship helps remove jealousy.

Summary

The Complexity of Modern Dating

Dating in the modern world has become increasingly complicated, with the concept of marriage and long-term relationships causing confusion. People often define their approach to love based on negative experiences, leading to a blame game where exes are labeled as narcissists. However, it is important to understand that love itself is not toxic, but rather our behaviors and decision-making can create toxicity in relationships. Movies and culture often propagate the idea that love is dangerous or weak, which can lead to embarrassment when falling in love. This narrative positions love as the antithesis of independence, creating customers for products rather than promoting healthy relationships. Poor decision making and emotional disconnect in childhood can contribute to suffering in love and the pursuit of alternatives such as escorts.

The Challenges of Cross-Sex Friendships

While men and women can be friends platonically, it can be challenging and often leads to complications. Understanding the dynamics of attraction and perception is important, as men tend to overestimate women’s attraction to them while women underestimate men’s attraction. The impact of beauty and attractiveness can also affect relationships, with attractive women often losing their naivety about men and being hyper-aware of the power they hold. Additionally, the rise of AI girlfriends presents a new challenge, as these apps set unrealistic emotional and beauty standards, potentially leading to the dehumanization of women for sexual pleasure.

The Importance of Discomfort and Responsibility

Embracing discomfort and taking responsibility are essential for long-term happiness and successful relationships. Comfort can be the enemy of joy, and true happiness comes from embracing challenges, problem-solving, and experiencing the dopamine reward that comes with growth. Building an identity outside of the relationship helps remove jealousy and allows individuals to prioritize their own growth and well-being. It is important to manage expectations and accept the consequences of decisions rather than trying to change a partner to fit a specific mold.

Conclusion

Modern dating is indeed a mess, with various factors contributing to its complexity. Understanding the narratives and behaviors that shape our approach to love and relationships is crucial for navigating this landscape. By recognizing the impact of societal influences, making responsible decisions, and embracing discomfort, we can strive for healthier and more fulfilling connections with others.