The Mel Robbins Podcast – New Research: The Surprising Psychology Behind the Secrets Everyone Keeps & What Your Secrets Say About You

Intro

In this episode of “The Mel Robbins Podcast,” Mel Robbins explores the psychology behind secrets and their impact on our lives. She interviews Dr. Michael Sleppian, a leading expert on secrecy, who shares his research findings and insights from his book, “The Secret Life of Secrets.” Discover how secrets affect our self-esteem, relationships, and overall well-being, and learn strategies for navigating the burden of carrying secrets.

Main Takeaways

The Psychology of Secrets

• According to Dr. Michael Sleppian’s research, people have an average of 13 secrets, with 5 of them being secrets that they’ve never told anyone.
• Keeping secrets can impact one’s self-esteem, relationships, and health, and can hold one back from living the life they deserve.
• People with secrets judge the world around them as more challenging to interact with.
• Living with a secret can be damaging, and the weight of it can be crushing.
• Sharing secrets with others can provide validation, empathy, and support.

Types of Secrets

• Romantic desire, finances, sexual behavior, family secrets, and discontent with social life or physical appearance are common secrets.
• Children start keeping secrets as soon as they understand that people have mental worlds that are unknown until discovered or shared.
• Family secrets can have a lasting impact on individuals and relationships.
• Sexual abuse can become a generational secret within families.
• Extra relational thoughts are a common secret that people keep, but rarely talk about.

The Impact of Secrets

• Keeping secrets can have a profound negative impact on mental health and well-being.
• Secrets can erode trust with oneself and keep individuals disconnected from their own experiences.
• Confessing a secret to someone is one of the best ways to relieve the burden.
• Feeling guilty about a bad action is healthier than feeling shame about being a bad person.
• Approaching sensitive topics with a calm and open mindset can lead to deeper conversations and potentially allow people to confess secrets.

Coping with Secrets

• Knowing the three ways a secret can hurt you can help you identify which ways don’t apply to you and give you a lifeline.
• The coping compass can help point you to the resource that’s most available to you when you need to relieve yourself of the burden of a secret.
• Finding someone to talk to is the number one thing to relieve the pain of holding a secret.
• Emotional support and assertive support are two forms of social support to consider when choosing who to confide in.
• Sharing a secret can bring you closer to the people you love.

Summary

The Psychology of Secrets

Dr. Michael Sleppian’s research reveals that people carry an average of 13 secrets, with 5 of them being secrets they’ve never shared. These secrets can impact self-esteem, relationships, and overall well-being. Living with a secret can be emotionally burdensome, leading to feelings of isolation and disconnection. However, sharing secrets with trusted individuals can provide much-needed validation, empathy, and support.

Types of Secrets

Secrets come in various forms, including romantic desires, financial struggles, sexual behavior, family secrets, and discontent with social life or physical appearance. Children start keeping secrets as they develop an understanding of others’ mental worlds. Family secrets can have long-lasting effects on individuals and relationships, while sexual abuse can become a generational secret. Extra relational thoughts, although common, are rarely discussed openly.

The Impact of Secrets

Keeping secrets can take a toll on mental health and well-being, leading to a disconnection from one’s own experiences and eroding self-trust. Confessing a secret can provide relief from the burden and help differentiate between guilt for a specific action and shame about one’s identity. Approaching sensitive topics with openness and calmness can foster deeper conversations and potentially create a safe space for individuals to confess their secrets.

Coping with Secrets

Understanding the ways in which secrets can harm individuals can guide them in seeking appropriate support. The coping compass is a valuable tool for identifying available resources to alleviate the burden of a secret. Finding someone trustworthy to confide in is crucial for relieving the pain of holding a secret. Emotional and assertive support can provide different forms of assistance based on individual needs. Sharing secrets can strengthen relationships and foster a deeper connection with loved ones.

Conclusion

Secrets have a significant impact on our lives, affecting our mental health, relationships, and overall well-being. By understanding the psychology behind secrets and implementing effective coping strategies, individuals can alleviate the burden and foster healthier connections with themselves and others. Sharing secrets with trusted individuals can provide the validation, empathy, and support needed to navigate the challenges associated with carrying secrets.